The past few days have been strange ones. I’ve felt all wrong. I’ve felt all odd. I’ve felt as though my insides were shaking maracas and pretending to be hosts on a Hawaiian beach handing out colourful, fake flower necklace-ma-jogs. When they’re quite clearly not doing that at all.
All the little bits that seem to hold my general frame together were trying to run off to the circus and start a more exciting life for themselves. They didn’t give a whatsit as to whether poor old me with peeling walls could withstand their abrupt departure. Comfort and Happiness skipped merrily away towards the sunset, hand in hand. Control not far behind, dragging his trusty steed Security laden with the heavy matter that is my private stash of Reason. And if that wasn’t enough to make my brain cry, ‘Abort, abort! Abort mission I say!’, Fear decided to join the Let’s Befuddle Eleanor gang with Chaos and Confusion.
It was all a little disconcerting. I felt as though I was surrounded by a melee of inadequate arseholes trying most to topple the hollow me off into the abyss.
This is when I realised how many white lies you can tell in one sitting. Literally in the space of about 20 seconds I managed to utter about 5 lies, going something along the lines of;
You; Are you alright? You seems a bit flat
Me; Oh yeah fine!1 Didn’t get much of a good night’s sleep.2
You; Ah kay.. How’s the house hunting?
Me; Yeah good.. getting a *bit*3 worried. But I’m sure it’ll sort itself out.4
You; Cool. By the way, your eyes look all red. Have you been-
Me; No they’re not!5 Honestly, don’t be silly.. When’re you going to Bournemouth again..?
1 – I’m really not. Hug me. Please.
2 – I passed out after drinking too much
3 – I’m completely freaking out.. I could scream
4 – I’m not sure. Not sure of anything.
5 – Yeah just been sobbing into a handkerchief for half an hour. But s’all good.
I am most definitely the worst for such things. I always seem to be trying to make sure everyone is happy and fine with a situation, so I’ll literally say anything so not to cause a scene. When I don’t call people or bail out on them, the excuses come thick and fast. I just can’t help it, they take over my ill-used tongue and scuttle freely into the world. I don’t even know I’m doing it sometimes, always trying so hard to not upset anyone…
A hermit I become. Sat alone writing dreadful poetry, thinking about how hard done by I am. It’s as though my whole body just shuts down as soon as the ‘nice’ emotions get fed up and join the Cirque-Du-Soleil… An extremely good friend of mine has had the brunt of me being a massive bowl of retardation. And by brunt I mean, not talking to him. You know when you’re a shit friend when someone says; ‘im not angry im just upset.’ #ouch
Isn’t that the worst thing ever. It’s fine when they’re shouting, screaming and making a generally displeased, fierce sort of racket. But when you are personally accountable for someone else’s upsetedness (Maybe I should have said ‘sadness’ there, but I didn’t. I wanted to make up a new word.) it just wont do.
I’m just sad. I can’t help it and I can’t get Happiness to end his Summer Tour early. So, for now, you’ll just have to forgive me.
”I am sick. I am tired. My last chance has expired. I am lost. I am free. I have hurt. I have plead.”