Where on earth did neurosis come from, may I ask? It totally buggers up a wonderfully wonderful day upon the sand, the palm trees, the waves… AHH THERE’S GOING TO BE A TIDAL WAVE.. No, no, calm down.. The sun, the horizon, the fish.. OH SHIT IS THAT A SHARK, WILL I DIE?! No, no, that’s a clown fish dear..
Yes, it sounds mildly humorous to all you sensible folk who waltz around your daily bumblings being all cool as a cucumber and some such other relatively cold vegetable.. But actually, it’s seriously annoying. It’s terribly annoying. It actually sometimes takes over your -whole- day and turns it into one big fucked up pile of everything-anyone-could-ever-be-frightened-of type day…
No fun. No fun at all.
When I was flouncing around on that huge Island (some people call it Austrlia) called All-struck-n-failure, by myself, you can imagine how much of a neurotic lump of Englishness I was.. One evening I awoke at 3 am in the middle of the desert to a nose with the circumference of like 5cm sniffing and snuffling at my face. I wont lie to you all, as I’m not that sort of person, I think I may have touched cloth. And by ‘touched cloth’ (to those of you who have been brought up by parents you tell you to run forth into the bathroom for a, ‘what I call’ breaking of wind) I mean, I nearly shat myself and nearly became totally wrapped up inside this netted mess that was my tent.. I was alone. I was scared. Thankfully I wasn’t naked – otherwise this cunning Kangaroo would have purchased more than he/she had bargained for. Not saying ‘they’ were a transvestite or anything. How would you even know?!..
Anyway.. Alone. Scared. Definitely not naked. In the middle of Aus. With a great, big legged Kangaroo all up in my grill. In the middle of the night. May I also add, it’s totes -not- like Kanga from Winnie-the-Pooh. The Moon was also full at this point. I can say, without shame, I did not sleep a wink that night. They also have like, freaky, rugged wild dogs out there that eat babies. Frankly, I don’t know why I slept in a one man tent in the middle of nowhere…
Thankfully, that was the least of my worries. Whilst in Western Australia I became a mental hippy.. Mostly due to my cousin Alaya, (who, I must say, is quite possibly the most beautiful person ever). Something quite special was introduced to me. I became all world friendly. All ‘care-for-the-planet-like. All Eco person. I recycled, I went to some highly depressing yet uplifting meetings about what we’re doing to the planet. I even attended mental protests, camping out in forests protecting trees and trying to close down power stations. It was brilliant! Although, amongst all of these shenanigans, I became familiar with something called a ‘Mooncup’. It’s basically a silicone cup what you puts up your fahoohoo when thou art on thine bleeding time, ie; PERIOD. Ah, the dreaded curse. Yes. It’s pretty cool.. You just empty it and then clean it out and then stick it back up in there. Easy. And you literally save squillions by doing so. But, on one unfortunate event, I used said cup, and mistakenly scratched my fahoohoo (vigina to all you scientists ;0] hah) I then went into a massive panic..
No word of a lie, I went through pregnancy, aids, std’s, thrush.. EVERYTHING. I hadn’t even had sex. Stupid I know, all for little scratch. Dear me, I thought I could have died. I rang my Mum, way back in Enkland, asking for help, fearing my imminent death or the decapitation of my womanhood. Thankfully, after a few days, I whopped a bit of Germalene on it and it disappeared. Man, Germalene is the boss.
But I still do it now.. In the last couple of months I have gone to the Dr’s because I thought I had lung cancer/heart attack/ovarian cancer/mouth cancer… The list goes on. I’m not even joking. It’s ridiculous.
I hate it. It honestly does encroach upon your life and inhibit you from doing things you WANT to do because you’re scared something dreadful will happen to you. My life is litterally a ‘Series of Unfortunate Events’.
All because I made it so.
Please, live like you’ve never lived. Or like you will die tomorrow. Laugh like no one can hear you. Dance like no one’s watching. Do what you want and never fear the consequences. You’re young, free aand single.
Easier said than done mate. x